Right, so. This is Transformers… 5, I think? Where do I even begin? Here are some negatives off the top of my head:

• the movie starts with “England, The Dark Ages” as a vague setting caption. Here we are, mixing Sci-fi robots with Arthurian Legend, except extremely vaguely because we want to fuzz over the whole “Autobots are the vanguard of human history” bit but not really commit to backing it up.

• bumblebee fought in WWI

• THE AUTOBOTS KILLED HITLER

• Shia LaBeouf is a descendent of the Templar-like bloodline cult of the LaBeoufs who are all descendants of Merlin (aka the original LaBeouf) but he isn’t in this movie so literally just after revealing this info we’re gonna go ahead and pretend he doesn’t exist after showing his face on screen and call you, Lady Protagonist, the last of the LaBeoufs

• Protagonist romance is poorly, and lazily, written. It starts out as “I’m a sexy intelligent English professor lady and you’re a dumb American”, and then every third line about the female is about how she’s hot and cleavage amply endowed. She keeps the relationship professional with the hero until she sees him with his shirt off, finds out that he’s got abs, and suddenly she’s in love

• ROUGHLY 60-70% OF OPTIMUS PRIME’S DIALOGUE IS HIM INTRODUCING HIMSELF

• you go into this expecting explosions and action and then you’re hit with a poorly paced, single paragraph essay of exposition that is so exhausting that when shit finally does blow up you’re too drained to enjoy it

• I AM OPTIMUS PRIME

• the funniest part of this movie is that the crazy dude from the first few movies says the words “Goat Scrotum”

• Very awkward mini-autobot butler character that can’t transform and whose very existence baffles me